Penalties ...? And you can not otherwise?
If I use penalties, it means that I can't do it that I probably have no alternative and no clue about the child's development. I am in some circles a devious mother who does not love her child, does not hug, does not kiss and probably beats where she falls ...
Hardly anyone today takes into account the fact that skilful application of penalties is a good methodwhich adapts the child to life in a society in which you can't escape the penalty and reward system. This is a positively understood school of life and, on the other hand, a school of love: because if I don't teach a child how to live in the modern world and how to deal with my own emotions, who will do it for me? Teachers, peers?
How is the child learning?
The children are different. This is repeated so often, and yet many forget about it ... There are those to whom just a verbal warning. Such little ones, which in themselves are willing to cooperate and do everything to please their parents. It's usually enough to ask them once or twice for them to listen.
There are other children who are not satisfied with such admonitions. In the literature they are called "Difficult children" or rebellious children. They are children who often try to cross the boundaries. They do it the more often, the less bright they are and the more often they change. For such children the learning process is testing what happens when I don't "listen to my mom, when I pretend I can't hear my dad". Although it is clear that they know what to say to them, they do not apply to the content of the message. They are waiting for deeds.
In these situations, you can act differently: you can ask, remind, beg, preach, talk about your own feelings, how we feel when the child is not listening, you can also eventually lose patience and shout, start offending the child, ridicule (happen it can happen to every parent).
However, it should be noted that moving from a gentle tone, through persuasion, to shouting and mocking is a way that not only makes us lose our nerves, but above all unnecessarily prolongs communication with the child. Parents who are forced to do so often feel very tired and have a sense of failure ...
Punishment is not violence
It can be said that a better reward / praise than punishment. And I will not deny it. It certainly is. However, this does not mean that respectfully punished for a child is a method that should be immediately deleted.
First, the punishment must be appropriate to the situation. It cannot be too big or too small, or even more too stretched in time (because it is usually considered unfair, two remain difficult to enforce). The younger the child is, the sooner the offense should be punished. The older it is, the more it can be put off in time for legitimate reasons.
Before applying the penalty, one should warn her. Psychologists emphasize that the so-called difficult children will not respond to the message "Have fun quietly", "Turn down the TV" "Put down the knife" until we clearly tell them that they definitely must do it. Therefore, to children who like to test the borders should say "Have fun quietly, because if not, I will take the toy" "Turn down the TV, because I turn it off", "Put down the knife, because you will not get dessert." Always such a message should be said calmly and not repeated. In the case of a difficult child, or a child who is not willing to cooperate, it will be futile to reprimand, ask or give further opportunities. If we do this, we will simply teach the child that he can do what he wants as long as he can bear our complaining or until the parent loses patience.
So what should you do if your child doesn't listen? Do exactly as we announced. Take a toy, turn off the TV, don't give dessert. Sometimes it will be necessary to do so many times before the child learns that words will be followed by deeds.
Punishment is good learning and an expression of respect
Giving penalties is not so easy. And maybe that's why many adults don't use them. Parents may face many problems. First of all, it can be without consequences. It is enough for the whole philosophy of punishment to fall into ruin.
The biggest advantage of using penalties that are based on the natural consequences of a child's deeds is that over time, penalties become less needed and are less and less often used in practice. A child who learns to respect boundaries will stick to them. When he hears the right message, he will know how to react and will know what will happen if he does not comply with our request.
Many people accuse parents who are punished that make children obedient robots that have no opinion and that do the right thing only for fear of consistency. However, in this type of thinking I see a big drawback. First of all, one should ask whether, as adults, we do not do something often so that we do not face punishment / or the unpleasant consequence of neglect? Are we not motivated to perform a task, not to be reprimanded or lose a bonus? As children at school, don't we do difficult lessons to avoid parents and parental dissatisfaction? Are we trying to clean up regularly so that we don't have to live in a mess? Don't we learn languages so as not to be ashamed of our colleagues and not to feel lost abroad? In addition, the child always has a choice. If he does wrong, he will be punished, and if he does, he will avoid it.
You may ask, punishment or natural consequence of an act? In my opinion, it is difficult to decide in many situations ... After all, it can be concluded that wiping up spilled juice is a consequence of a given act, but is it still the loss of your favorite juice, which just ended? Will the punishment be a reprimand in a diary for misconduct or is it just a consequence of an act? Will the punishment be a ban on playing a toy that the child does not play properly, or is it just a consequence of the act? After all, is there a lack of friends in relation to a toddler who behaves badly, can't find himself in a group due to constant breaking the rules, is it a punishment or a consequence of deeds? It can be said that other children punish "disliked Piotr" in this way? Is this border clear for you? After all, are we not adapting the child to living in society well by not punishing at home?
Sure, you can write that punishment is something else that this behavior is extremely exaggerated, unfair, which is associated with kneeling on peas, standing in the corner for many minutes or in extreme situations corporal punishment.
However punishment just like a word can be different. It all depends on how her we will compose and choose, in what tone we will speak, what gestures will accompany us, what will our facial expression be like ... ... As parents we decide what the punishment looks like and how it is imposed on the child. We can be afraid of it or use it calmly. We decide about the atmosphere and whether the punishment will be considered fair or not .... It is the effectiveness of our work that depends on our emotions.
Punishment and the child's age
Finally, a few words about the child's age. The parent's role is not to judge, get into a policeman's or investigator's uniform. The parent's role is upbringing. That is why it is so important for a child to adapt to the way society functions. There is no upbringing where there is pampering or stress-free upbringing. And vice versa, there is no upbringing without love and acceptance. A child who has no clear boundaries is lost, not happy.
Punishment allows a child to learn responsibility and ... solve the problem yourself. It simply motivates itself in its efforts. It shows how to behave in conflict situations, when bad emotions accumulate, teaches us to calm down and to try to compromise. For example, children who argue about a toy and are aware that the parent will not stand on either side, but will help them reach agreement, will learn that sharing is better than losing the item. The parent who proposes a solution will allow the child to decide and tell what will happen if the children do not stop their bad behavior, it does not show that someone in the conflict situation must win. It makes it clear that it is not about who won, who "went out", but about the fact that they managed to communicate without losing their nerves and feeling hurt against the other person.
Punishment is a consequence, learning how to deal with bad emotions and consent to learn to function in a world in which sometimes you have to be able to give way and always have to get along with the other person who is also right ...