Time for mom

When a daughter becomes a mother, that is about difficult mother-daughter love

When a daughter becomes a mother, that is about difficult mother-daughter love


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The love of mother and daughter is difficult. On the one hand, unconditional, on the other demanding, entwined with the expectations and images of both sides. This bitterness, or rather salt, without which one could not imagine a system known for centuries, gives taste and quality and at the same time makes that when a wound appears, it hurts more than in any other relationship.

The strength of the mother-daughter relationship is also a problem.

The worse the mother was, the more she is present in her memories and everyday thoughts. Even in adult life, my mother's voice may appear in the head, obtrusive as a fly, returning, giving no peace as strange remorse. That is why it is so important to interpret this voice well. Distinguish what we have always heard from what we saw how our mother really lived. We need to digest this message and choose from it what we like and reject what we are not able to accept.

What can a mother do for her daughter?

The best thing a mother can do for her daughter is to love her unconditionally and teach her the kind of love she can pass on to her partner and her children. Give her a sense of security and trust, a belief that life is worth living because the world and life are worth it. The mother is also faced with another task - to invite her daughter to her female world, help shape her personality as a woman.

Unfortunately, the relationship between mother and daughter is very difficult. Mutual lack of understanding leads to the construction of a wall that sometimes cannot be torn down. And that can affect your whole life. A critical, overprotective, demanding mother means that even as mature women, we cannot become independent. Because we want to meet our mother's expectations, we duplicate mistakes in our own family.

Adolescence, or independence from the mother

For the first year of life, the daughter is strongly associated with her mother, in many respects she has a sense of symbiosis, a very strong dependence. Over time, this relationship becomes looser. In preschool, the girl looks at her mother and wants to be like her. It's time to try on mamin shoes, wear beads, try on decorating nails, tuning, browsing in the mirror. The little girl builds her gender identity, begins to understand the roles that she will have to play in her life. From this (very nice) worship, my daughter goes into criticism. As time begins to mature, contacts with peers become more and more important. The average sixteen-year-old will confide in her friend faster than her mother. Still, if the parents have built up authority, it is still very strong at this stage and the relationship with mom is crucial.

What happens next? When the mother's relationship with the daughter is healthy, with age she should more and more resemble a partnership (although rather not friendly - in the classic sense of the word). Mother will always remain a tutor for her daughter, preferably quiet, forgiving ... Regardless of where her adult daughter will be - she will worry about her for the rest of the day, worry about her fate.

The cards are dealt again when daughter becomes mother alone. The period of pregnancy and after birth is usually a reunion between mother and daughter, bridging the gap (or, unfortunately, widening it), moving to the next stage in life, and completely changing the perspective of both women. This is a very special period in which, unfortunately, a lot can break. "The relationship between a young mother and her parents will depend on the entire history of their relationship. - explains psychologist Justyna Glińska from Centrum-Ja Psychological Counseling Center - If up till now situations marked by positive emotions prevailed, it will be easier for the mother of a small child to look with forgiveness at the mistakes made by parents. However, if such a woman has a lot of grief for her parents, she feels hurt in this relationship, it will be difficult for her to adopt such an understanding adult perspective, because she is guided by strong childhood feelings. "

Researchers at the University of Ohio investigated who has a stronger impact on our self-esteem - mom or dad? It turned out that as much as 65 percent. respondents claimed that their mother's criticism was very memorable and influenced their adult life. Both gentlemen and ladies said so.

Another study found that adult women who had problems with mothers more often, when they grow up, build friendship with men. If the girl notices that the relationship with her mother is risky, that there is manipulation, rejection, the consequence of this is that she does not expect anything good after contact with women, so she prefers to talk to men. He gets along better with them.