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Our words should clearly state what we like and what we want to appreciate, taking into account the child's effort, help, work, care, achievements and the effect of his creative work.
Our words should be chosen in such a way that the child clearly draws true conclusions about their personality from them.
Eight-year-old Krystian helps his father clean the basement.
During work, father and son had to move heavy furniture.
FATHER: This workbench is extremely heavy. It's hard to move it.
KRYSTIAN (proudly in the voice): But I succeeded.
FATHER: You have to have a lot to do with it.
KRYSTIAN (flexing muscles): I am strong.
In the example above, my father commented on the difficulty of the task. It was Krystian who drew his conclusion about his strength. If his father said: "Son, you are so strong", Krystian could answer: "Not at all, there are stronger boys in my class than me."
Then there could be a pointless or even exchange of opinions. We usually praise children when we want him to think about himself better. Why, then, do our words of admiration about her daughter's appearance make her deny it? Why does the phrase "You are wonderful" addressed to his son make him confused and make him leave the room? Are our children so hard to please that even our praise is not enough for them? Of course not.
Probably, our children, like most people, reject praise in which their personality, or mental or physical characteristics are assessed. Children don't like to be judged.
How would we feel if at the end of each month a person who claims to love us would give us a formal assessment? "You have five for kisses, but only four for hugging. But for showing tenderness you get six. " We would probably feel humiliated and we would be sorry. We would not feel loved. There is a better way: to provide a description of the situation, containing joy and admiration, to choose the right words that would express appreciation for the effort put into the task, and sentences in which we express respect and understanding.
Thirteen-year-old Justyna was at home alone in the evening, when the breaker tried to forcefully break into the apartment. She tried to call for help from her neighbors, but none of them reacted. She called the police. When her parents returned home, they found a policeman writing down Justyna's testimony.
The mother and father of the girl were full of admiration for Justyna, who was so mature in a difficult situation. They did not praise her, however, telling her how unusual she was or how mature she was. Instead, they talked to her about the situation, detailing and appreciating her effective actions.
Justyna's father said: "Your behavior met the definition of courage according to Hemingway - you behaved in a difficult situation as you deserved. The sight of a thirteen-year-old girl who kept cool and in such a stressful situation knowing what to do to defend herself, calling to neighbors, then to the police and giving the policeman the necessary information is really impressive.
Mom and I are full of appreciation for you. " Justyna heard these words and began to relax. A wide smile appeared on her face: "You can say that I am learning life resourcefulness - would you call it that?" Thanks to this reaction of her parents, Justyna did not complain that she had to be alone at home in the evening. Quite the opposite - after this terrifying event he felt and felt more confident.
Here is another example: in the afternoon Lucjan's mother watched a football match in which her son performed. After the match, he wanted to express his admiration for his son's skills and his axis of desire, so he told him in detail what he impressed her about: "Watching you play football, it was a great pleasure for me, especially when last In seconds of the match, you see the opportunity to score. You started running from your defensive position to the other end of the field under your opponent's goal and scored the winning goal! You must be proud of yourself! "
She added, "You must be proud of yourself," not, "I'm proud of you," because she wanted to awaken him with a sense of pride.
The father will ask his six-year-old daughter Janka to help him arrange the plucked leaves into larger stacks. When done, that is, the father pointed to the piles of leaves formed and said: "One, two, three, four, five, six! Six piles of leaves in half an hour. How did you manage to work so fast? "
In the evening of the same day, when Janka was saying good night to her dad, she asked him to tell her again "about the piles of leaves she made". When praising the child, we must go to the trouble of describing the situation in detail.
It will be better for children if we will give them information and we will recognize them instead of assessing their nature. Jurek's mother will leave him a note on his guitar: "You are playing the guitar with me." Jurek would be delighted. "Thank you. I am pleased that you consider me a good guitarist. " Sam drew conclusions from his mother's recognition, claiming that he was a good guitarist.
Praise can also be daunting. It depends on what the child tells himself after being praised.