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- When a child gets a slap from an adult, we hear voices: it's just a slap. Some say that this is a necessary element of education so that the child learns the rules and knows what is good and what is bad.
- When a child hits an adult, his behavior is rude and the obvious thing (for adults) is that this is not allowed.
- When another time, an adult (woman or man) hits another adult, then one talks about violence or harassment.
The following questions sprout in my head:
- Can weaker, smaller or more dependent on us hit and strong and independent units not?
- What does a child who gets 'just a slap' learn about violent and peaceful conflict resolution?
- And finally: what does a child learn about respect for other people, regardless of age, position, health, size and more ...?
We tell children that older people deserve respect, and do we say that children too? Inequality between adults and children teaches young people that children are worse than adults, that adults are all allowed or at least allowed more: adults may cross my limits, adults may hit me, adults may not take me into account, adults may not respect me . In this way, we do not raise courageous and powerful people, but rather subordinate, overly obedient and insecure.
The situations described above are exactly the same: when we hit or hit someone we cause them pain, and such behavior is a lack of respect and acceptance. Janusz Korczak said: there are no children there are people. Listening to how the adults around us (and sometimes, unfortunately, ourselves - when we engage in habitual action) speak to children, the idea is raised that there is an unspoken assumption that if someone is stronger and bigger then maybe more. Following this path: in the name of the child's good, an adult can shout at a child, challenge him, ridicule or beat him. Such actions are to make him grow into a decent man.
Where did the idea come from that adults can do more and that they do not have to respect and care for others? By definition, parenting involves taking care of other people's life, health and development. So do we treat our children as we treat another adult - boss, friend, partner?
Parents push children spoons with food when they say they no longer want or when they are not hungry. We order children to clean the toys when they are in the middle of the greatest adventure they have invented. We require taking out the garbage right away, we set the conditions: I agree to ... provided that ... We often expect that small people will give kisses as a greeting, even though we say only Good morning!
The adult objects, expresses the opinion, does not agree, while the child becomes rude and deserves to be punished. Adults are often unable to hear and take childhood NIE seriously.
According to what was said above, parents make demands on the child because they put themselves in a more important position. It is obvious that there are children's needs that they will never express or are unaware of. I am talking here about safety, health care, clarity and transparency of the principles that guide us in life or which are binding at home and many others. A child badly needs clear boundaries, needs someone to show him what is good and what is bad, to put him to bed when he is tired or to make sure that he does not eat too much sweets. But it just as much needs to be heard and taken into account, which involves treating a child on an equal footing with adults. Nonviolent Communication says that the needs of all people (adults and children) are equal and equally important. What's more, each NOT expressed in relation to another human being is simultaneously YES for their very current and living needs here and now. Therefore, refusal, resistance or simply NOT a child is not an expression of being rude or disobedient towards a parent. Saying is NOT the highest expression of caring for your needs, it is a response to contact with yourself and a strategy to take care of yourself.
Authors: Joanna Berendt and Aneta Ryfczyńska-Specificielniak, jointly run a blog with empathic fairy tales and considered about empathic and coaching parent-child communication: //pyszne przyjacielezyrafy.blogspot.com/
Joanna Berendt - ICF accredited coach, trainer, mediator. He specializes in working with people at the threshold of important life decisions, such as career change, change in personal life, improving relationships, finding a balance between important areas of life - he supports them in finding their own path and using their internal potential. (Www.KobiecyCoach.pl).
I offer individual sessions, group workshops and mediation. He also conducts parenting coaching sessions and workshops, supporting parents in finding a sense of purpose, strength and passion in everyday challenges.
In life, he values openness and curiosity in life, acting in harmony with himself and a sense of humor. She is passionate about Nonviolent Communication, not only as a way of communication, but as a way of receiving the world and establishing relationships.
She completed, among others, the course "The Art and Science of Coaching", the School of Coaching Competence Coaches and the Nonviolent Communication Study. Privately, mother of two energetic and curious people of the world and owner of the dog Miśka.
She wrote a book about empathic communication with children: "Get along with the child - coaching, empathy, parenthood", which is already available on the publishing market.
Privately, a mother of two energetic and curious children.
Aneta Ryfczyńska-Detailielniak- listener to the 3-year School of Trainers in the Rose Pub. Supporter of nonviolent communication, which is a way of life for her.
He effectively implements the idea of being a personal development trainer. Organizes image and development groups as well as support groups for women. He is happy to be involved in projects on women's issues, as well as those regarding parenting. He is learning mediation in the language of Non-Violent Communication.
She graduated in English philology at the School of Social Psychology and fashion design at the School of Artistic Designing Clothing. For several years, he has been dealing with fashion and clothing design for women.
He passionately studies contemporary images of women and femininity present in art, media and fashion. She wrote a paper about the image of a woman created by a Barbie doll.
In free time he writes and paints. Mother of 3 years old girl.
The article was written as part of the social campaign of the Parents of the Future Foundation:
"Every Your Word Changes Life."
The goal of the campaign is to draw attention to the problem of using emotional violence against children and preventing it.
The foundation's website has a free Conscious Parent Test, whose task is to determine whether we are aware of which behaviors towards
of a child are admissible and should not take place because they are emotional in nature and are harmful to them.
Be a conscious parent.
Complete the free test on: